The Nordics Have a Perverted Jungle Adventure
by Anamique4
Summary: A story about Norway and his car... but not really. Complete and UTTER crack. Warnings include Seme!Norway, H0rny!Denmark, Tarzan!Sweden, general OOC-ness, and some adult content. Can be taken as several different pairings if wanted. :3 One-shot.


**OH MY. WHAT EVEN IS THIS- **

**WARNING: extreme crack, OOC-ness, bad words, adult content**

**Disclaimer: I suppose I own the contents of this story. Where it came from, I have no idea. The lowest layer of my mind, most likely. **

**Again, so sorry. **

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><p>Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far far FAR FAR FAAAAAR away… or some shit like that, Norway was driving along a random road in his brand-spankin'-new car. It was a pretty damn good car too, not some Ford or Chevrolet or what ever other junky death-trap America kept trying to sell him. It was a Mitsubishi. And <em>holy fuck <em>did he like that car. A lot. One might even say he loved it. (HINT: LE EPIC FORESHADOWING)

All-of-a-fucking-sudden, Denmark came running out on the road in front of him, waving his arms and screaming some senseless gibberish. (Or maybe it was Danish. Norway never really could tell the two apart). He briefly contemplated running the Dane over, but didn't want to get his new car dirty with unnecessary blood, so he slammed on the brakes at the last second.

"Get in," he intoned emotionlessly and threw open the passenger-side door. Denmark scrambled in and plopped himself down on the seat. Norway threw on a pair of random sunglasses that had suddenly materialized beside him, and could have sworn he heard someone shriek, "YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAA", as he did. He shook his head. Shit was weird.

So there they were, driving along, Denmark keeping up a string of unintelligible one-sided conversation as they went. Norway skillfully ignored said conversation by turning the radio on so loud that it raped his eardrums until they bled. Pure genius.

"OH MAI GAWD PULL OVER NORGE," Denmark shouted for no particular reason in Norway's already-violated ear. Norway punched him square in the face without taking his eyes off the road. Yea. That's just how practiced he was at it.

"BUT NORGEEEEEEE...~! I HAVE TO PEE REAL BAD."

_Screech._

"Make it quick, idiot. If you aren't back in 5 minutes, I'll floor the accelerator without looking back."

Seeing as they were in the middle of nowhere, Denmark ran off into the trees. Rather hoping that the annoying Dane would be eaten by some kind of mysterious forest monster, Norway sat back to wait. And wait. And wait… And wait.

_~49 MINUTES LATER~_

Seeing as it was obvious that either Denmark had indeed been devoured by something or that he had gotten lost on his back to the car, (Norway couldn't decide which one of these seemed more likely), he resolved to go out and look for him. Why, you may ask? Why? WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYY? …Because, that's why.

And so Norway got out of his beloved car and walked off to the side of the road into the encompassing trees. Where much lulz were sure to ensue.

As he marched further and further into the forest, he realized that it was actually becoming more of a jungle. His super-ultra-mega-sexy-hot sailor suit clung to his lean frame as he trudged along. Norway took it off and draped it over his shoulder, his entire upper body glistening with attractive man-sweat. He heard tropical birds calling from somewhere above him, and then… was that a monkey? He stopped to listen and heard it again. LOL NO. Silly Norway, that's the mating call of the wild Denmark! Don't you watch the Discovery Channel?

Finally recognizing the call of his one true mate, Norway took off running in the opposite direction. Like hell did he want to be around a horny Denmark in the middle of a fucking jungle where there were no civilized people who might rescue him.

"_Heyyyy_ Norway~!" an irritatingly perky voice chirped, coming out of nowhere and practically slapping him in the face. He stopped running for a moment to wildly face the perpetrator, who just happened to be one of the only established female characters on the show.

"GODDAMNIT SEYCHELLES WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP I'M TRYING TO ESCAPE AN IDIOT HERE."

Seychelles burst into stereotypical tears and ran off into the jungle to dance the tango with some swordfish, or whatever she did on the weekends. Norway continued to run away from the ever-impeding sounds of the stampeding Dane. Oh shit, they were getting closer! He pushed his legs to the last limit of their cooperation before they finally gave out, and he stumbled into a seemingly empty clearing.

"NORGE! I FOUND YOU!" Denmark tackled him to the ground. A Denmark that was very, _very_, happy to see him, judging by the fact that he was completely naked and that a telltale boner was pressing itself hard into Norway's stomach. He flushed and felt the warmth work itself downwards into his lower regions.

"Oh Den, I- I-"

"You what, baby?" Denmark asked, slowly grinding into the other's body.

But suddenly Denmark was pushed off by the irate Norwegian, who had apparently had it one too many times on the bottom. Standing up and holding the Dane down with one with one hand, he then asked not very eloquently for the other to do something extremely smutty. When said Dane refused, the newly-appointed-seme of the pair grabbed him by the tie threateningly, and was all like, "DOES NORWAY HAVE TO CHOKE A BITCH."

Denmark, still highly traumatized by his last experience of asphyxiation by Norway's hands, hurriedly agreed. Pulling Norway's pants down to his ankles, he then proceeded to- _Hey_. HOLD UP a second there, kids! That be way too inappropriate to go into. So let's inject something else here…

"AIAIAIAIAIAIYAHHHH~!" Out of the trees came-a-swingin' on a vine… a real live jungle man? FFFFFFFFFFF- NO. It was just Sweden. An extremely sexy Sweden however, clad in Tarzan-esque animal-skin loincloth. My God, did he look attractive. It was like sex for your eyes. When he turned his rape-face on to gaze stonily at the two nations before him, you could almost hear the fangirls convulse in throes of ecstasy. That's how gorgeous he was.

"Me Sweden. Where m' wife?" He grunted out a painstakingly slow few words. And I know what you're thinking now, like, was he raised by apes or something? No… Remember, that's how he normally talks, people. Jeez. He just decided to finally give into his primitive nature and become one with nature. Cause that's how he rolls.

Denmark burst out crying at this interruption of his imminent domination, because we all know he secretly was enjoying every minute of it, and Norway slapped him upside the head. Sweden gave a few more incoherent grunts that no one could even begin to interpret, so they both ignored him.

"HEY GAIZ."

So who just happened to show up at exactly the right time? That super-duper-über-ohmygodhe'ssofuckingadorable-cute Finland, that's who.

Norway walked over to him and was all like, "MAN WHERE DA _HELL _YOU BEEN." But before le-kawaii-desu Finn could answer him, Sweden head-butted Norway, knocking him to the ground for daring to talk to his wife in such a way. Then Denmark flew over, (yes, you heard me right. Flew over. Literally.), and kicked Sweden in the groin. Why? Oh not to avenge Norway or anything. He just really fucking loves to fight Sweden… Especially when he was dressed to seduce in that whole jungle-man getup. Denmark really gets off on those kinds of things.

While the two of them were busy relieving sexual tension, Norway and Finland decided that they'd had enough of this crazy mind-blowing shit, and went off to get some coffee. However, when they made it back to the car, they found a giant tub of lard sprawled over the top of Norway's precious Mitsubishi. Said tub of lard was Russia of course.

"Move fat-ass!" Norway screeched, but Russia just gave him a creepy stare that made him feel uncomfortable in all the wrong ways. So Norway was forced to abandon his beloved car. He cried for two whole hours, then promptly forgot all about it and went off to join his fairy friends in a mischievous game of strip poker.

**EL FIN. **

Oh yea, and then Iceland ate some licorice. It was some cheap offbrand. It tasted like crap.

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><p><strong>I feel like the crack and OOC just continued to increase throughout the story until it all exploded in my face at the very end. X3 <strong>

**I really despise SuDen. I truly do. Just... THE MOMENT FOR THAT WAS TOO PERFECT TO MESS UP. **

**And yes, I do pair NorDen seriously, not just DenNor. To me, they're both pretty equal in their relationship, so either/or can top. ;) I have weird head-canon, I know.**

**Comments, Questions, Concerns? ^^' Hope it wasn't _too _scarring for ya. **

**P.S. ALSO OHMAIGAWD CAN YOU IMAGINE TARZAN!SWEDEN x JANE!FINLAND? PRETTY DAMN HOT. **


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